The story of the 26 year old

The story of the 26 year old

I think back to when I was 26. I had just had a pivotal moment in my life. I had just crossed the threshold from being a carefree, energetic, spontaneous bachelorette to being a settled down career woman and mother. In all honesty, the motherhood slowed me down. Had that not happened I probably would have kicked it hard until I turned 30. At 26, I would have not dreamed of giving a 26 year old guy the time of day. It just wouldn't happen. I've been notorious for dating older men. The smallest age gap has been 2 years and the biggest has been 20. The only exception to that is the LOML who is 2 years YOUNGER than me.
So there’s this 26 year old that had been trying to take me out for a while. Now, I haven’t had the best of luck in the dating world, so I figured it would be cool to just hang out with him. We started talking every now and then, going to the movies, just having a very harmless friendship- I mean he’s 26 and I’m 31 for goodness sake! Well somewhere in between the casual dinners and movies we started having sex. Now I’m blurry on the why’s and how’s of how it started, all I am clear on is this guy completely surprised me! I mean, ok- stamina taken out of the picture (he's 26, he SHOULD have stamina) but even without that, the sex is absolutely mindblowing. I’m really glad that I started working out 3 times a week back in February, because I think without that I could not handle this dude. I mean he twists and turns me in all kinds of positions, he has a huge di*k (Almost bigger than the LOML- ALMOST), he has a crazy stroke. I mean the boy is bad! But he’s 26.
I can’t date a 26 year old. It just isn't natural, is it? I mean, he’s 26. I’m 31. I'm a business woman, a mother, I'm a “Grown Woman” as Mary J. would say. He's IMHO just now reaching the point where he should be starting to settle down. I've been settled for years now. He teases me and tells me that I need to loosen up a little, but to me he’s too lax. It wouldn't work, would it? Well, the sex is great, that I can’t take away from him. But he’s 26.
If I DID decide to start dating him, does that mean that I'm a cougar ?

The Dream

I keep having this very weird dream. I've been having it for as long as I can remember, but it's starting to change, and is getting even more weird. It's even becoming a part of my daydreams and I'm starting to worry a little.
I remember years ago, I was probably no more than 5 years old; I was over my aunts’ house visiting. I was outside playing, and was running up and down the street. I remember running, while turning my head back and forth (making myself very dizzy- don't ask me why). I remember running directly into a utility pole which was right in front of my aunts’ house. I remember getting to her front door- but that's it. The next thing I knew, I woke up with a big ass bump on my head.
So the dream- In my dream, I actually never woke up. I had been in a coma for years! So everything that has happened to me has actually been a part of my dreams while in this coma. Going to college, all the drama, all the bad relationships, my child, and my friends were all a figment of my imagination. In the dream I finally wake up (as a 20 something year old- YAAAAY dream!) and get to basically start life (over). This was GREAT at first until I realize that I don’t have my child- who is the center of my universe. I also don't have my degree or my great career. So the dream becomes a nightmare because life as I "thought" I knew it doesn't really exist.
Now here's the twist: The more recent dreams are still the same, except HE's a part of it now. The LOML (love of my life)! Of course, because I'd been dreaming, he's not really the love of my life and I don't actually know him at all. This is just another blow to me when I wake up. But apparently (in my dream) he does ACTUALLY exist! And HE'S been in a coma for years as well! AND his coma came around the same time as mine! AND- he wakes up around the same time as I do! AND- he dreamed about me as well. So someone somewhere finds out about us and decides to get us together to meet. And we fall in love, and marry, and live the rest of our lives together. And the greatest part is that I get my child back...The beautiful baby that I dreamed I had while I was in the coma, I actually have while I'm with him. She's the EXACT same child from her looks to her mannerisms. The only difference is her father is who it SHOULD BE! WOW!

She's living the life that should have been mine

Have you ever had that feeling? You see someone living the life that should be yours. You see someone benefiting from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into someone else to get them right. Reality is hitting me hard this morning. I have an ex, he's actually my 1st real relationship (as much bullshit as it was, it was my 1st). He and I had a lot of issues, most steaming from the fact that we were young and trying to live our college lives while having this long distance relationship. We were together for 3 years then had this gray area for about 1 year. During the gray area time, I met and fell in love with the man that I know I'm meant to be with (whether that happens or not is another story). My ex tried and tried for a while to get us back. But my heart, my head and my loyalty had moved towards the LOML and all the pain that I went through with the ex wasn’t worth me going back. So he eventually moved on and is now engaged to one of the women that he cheated on me with. I found out he was with her a couple of years ago and also found out that they had been an on/off item for years (including the time he and I were together and the time he was trying to get me back). I also found out that she had no idea I was in the picture so I don’t have any bitterness towards her and in a way I ‘m glad that they have found what it takes to commit and become a family. But this competitive spirit I have inside of me is roaring mad! I mean, come on- how does the bad guy end up on top? How is it that she is able to have what I had been trying to get for years? It’s not fair! He should be miserable and unhappy and still uncertain about life! I mean, he cheated on me over and over again. He had 3, count them- 3 accused pregnancies during our time together, and the 3rd was his (mind you the 1st accusation was by the girl he is now engaged to). So I know I did the right thing by me to leave him for good. I know that I would never be happy with him, because I know what he is capable of, and the damage was done so long ago.
This weekend, I was over my cousins house, and we were talking about him and his upcoming nuptials, and my cousin says “Awe, he’s getting married!” then looks to me and says “Poor thing” as if to say I lost my chance and I fucked up. Well I say “He is marrying a woman that he cheated on me with. I left him because he constantly cheated on me. How am I the poor thing?” I swear I can’t win

YOU AIN'T GOTTA LIE- CRAIG!

That is my all time favorite quote from a movie? Why? Because it’s the words right out of my mouth. I believe that if you truly respect a person, you will not lie to that person. For no other reason that pure respect- you don’t lie. Cleveland has the sorriest pool of men I’ve EVER seen! I mean they lie, cheat, and then make you look like the dayum fool. They try to make you feel like you did something wrong when you know in your heart of hearts you’ve been upfront and honest from the start. So what’s my drama of the moment you ask? Let me fill you in. I’ve been talking about Mr. Pussy for a little over a year now. And things haven’t changed much from where they were last time I mentioned him, and that means we never officially started a relationship. We still hang out, he still lives up to his name, but that’s about it. So I’d say around Nov/Dec I got a random phone call one night from a girl asking me if I’m “seeing Mr. Pussy?” She goes on to ask if I knew he had a girlfriend. I say “If you are his girl, then why are you calling me asking if I’m seeing him”. So she hangs up the phone, I question him on it and of course he plays the stupid role. I brush it off, but tell him that I don’t appreciate shit like that and to please keep his groupies at bay. I tell him that if he IS dating anyone I need full disclosure. He swears he’s not and then we move on. So one day I’m browsing Myspace and decide to check out his page. I see a pic of him and a girl (he’s a que she’s an aka) and the pic is titled “The woman and I”. So I send an email to him and ask him about it and he again brushes it off, tries the double talk, etc. Now because we aren’t in a relationship, I can’t question him on anything, and I am cool with that. But I do expect FULL DISCLOSURE. And I also expect honest answers. So now I’m cautious. I’m paying a little more attention to detail. I’m debating on just pulling the switch on this whole thing or waiting to see what happens. Everytime we hook up or are talking, I ask him about the girlfriend and he swears there’s no other. But he’s lying. I finally had enough circumstantial evidence to suggest that he is indeed involved with this Myspace girl. But since I already know I’m not getting any answers from him, I send her a message. I’m very polite, and explain my situation with Mr. Pussy to her. I ask her if she’s in a relationship with him because I can’t deal with lies and drama. She confirms their status and asks me a few questions. I tell her what’s been going on with with us for the past year and tell her that I’m done with it but I just needed verification and I apologized for bothering her. So that’s where it ends yesterday.

I check my messages this morning, and I notice from the last message she sent yesterday that her picture has changed. So I decide to click and view her profile and this is what I see:

So I guess he gave her the same bull he gave me and she’s decided to take his word for it, which is fine. He’s your man and you should believe your man, right? I also guess that’s a big “FUCK YOU!” to me, huh?

Well all I can say is that I did what I felt was right. I’m NOT letting a man play with my emotions or break my stride- so I’m better off and I wish them well

Why lie?

I don't get it. I really don't understand. We are adults. We all have feelings. We all want respect. So why lie? Why say you aren't involved with anyone but you really are? Why involve me in that mess of a drama that is bound to follow behind your lie? Why why why?

Why be with me, take me around your family and friends? Why make plans to be with me for ever and make those same plans with someone else? Why lead me on for weeks, months, hell years knowing that your heart isn't true and your words are fake?

I'm a good person. I'm straight forth. I'm caring and understanding. I'm also very clear on where I stand- if you have someone, we can be friends. There's no hard feelings at all. But please don't get me caught up in a blind 3way. Please don't do that to me, because I don't deserve it. I don't want midnite anonomous phone calls from women trying to find out why their man has all of a sudden become distant so she's decided to go through his cell phone. I don't want someone knocking at my door with a child on thier hips whose eyes resemble yours. I don't want to think you are the one- and my search is finally over; only to find out there's another woman thinking the same thing about you. That's so cruel and you are a cruel person to do that to me.

And yes I become bitter! But can you really blame me? I mean I was honest with you from the start and I told you where I stood on this issue. So how are you now shocked because the bit*h has been stirred up? You bastard grow up and be a man!

Random thoughts- round 2

So where’s guy #2?
My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't written about guy #2 in a while, and it isn't because we haven't been in contact. I was going to leave him and his business out of this, but this is reality and his reality has intertwined into mine. He's gone away- for 3 or 4 years (or something crazy like that). He finally confessed to me the reason he was acting like Cybil all last summer and it was because he knew he'd eventually be locked up. I guess getting involved would be a mute point, because it would be short lived. I was sad when he first told me he would be going away; he's a great guy who chose a screwed up path. But that's the breaks. I continued to do my thing and gave him his space to do what ever he was going to do until Dday. He called me that morning he was turning himself in to tell me he would really miss me, and I said the same, he said he'd write me and that was it. So today I decide to look at the Ohio Inmates search and pulled up his sheet. That's when it hit. That's when I became affected. It's so sad. He looks lifeless. Nothing like the man I adored. Nothing like the person I was getting to know.

Old Friends
When I graduated from High School, I was pretty much a loner. My clique broke up in 93 (over some stupid high school stuff) and my last few years I decided to roll solo. It was cool, because my crew actually all ended up dropping out, except for one girl who transferred. So I went to college and had no ties to my former life. My college buddies became my life long friends and I really don't think back about the high school times.
This past week, I've ran into 3 of my high school classmates, just on a humble. One of those three was my absolute best friend (the one who transferred). It's brought up some serious emotions, especially when I ran into my best friend. She's still the same chick as real as can be. She told me she was in contact with the other 2 girls we hung with for a minute. But just to see her made me nostalgic. We had so much fun back in the day. We got into SO MUCH TROUBLE back in the day. We were 5 honor students (4 girls and 1 boy) and we used to get into so much stuff. We caused mini riots, we fought constantly, and we were always causing disruption in class. You would have never thought we were all carrying GPA's above 3.5. Makes you wonder why 3 of them dropped out, huh?

How was Buju?

WONDERFUL! Thanks for asking. My family is kind of upset though because I didn’t go and visit anyone while I was in Chicago. But I was really only there for 1 day and I was TIRED! So I slept half the day and well- it doesn’t matter. I didn’t call or visit anybody but the family I was staying with. I went with one intention- to see my man. And he was so darn HIGH! It was comical how twisted he was onstage. Collie Budz is a fine ass man! And Wayne Wonder is a smooth dude. I peeped the band though, so I chose to focus on Buju (I KNOW HE’S MARRIED TOO BUT HE’S STILL MY MAN)

Baby P’tron

My brother (actually my cousin) is expecting his fourth child!!!!! His wife really didn’t want anymore kids so she went to the dr. to get an I.U.D. and the doc informed her that she couldn’t get the birth control because she’s preggo! She cried and cried for days then found out she’s 2.5 months. Um, well she’s kicked it HARD over the past month (I know cuz I’ve been with her) and she was drinking Patron like it was water….So I told her I hope it’s a boy because I will be calling him P’TRON!

The Soldier Boy effect on my daughter

Well, just see for yourself

This was when she was LEARNING the dance:

And NOW (she’s PERFECTED it!)

Now Accepting Applications for new friends

minimal requirements: not into drama, would never mess with anyone I've ever dealt with (NO EXCEPTIONS), hard worker, loves REGGAE, accepts and returns brutal honesty, willing to party like a rockstar every now and then but doesn't LIVE to party, family oriented

I need to meet some new friends. I have NO ONE that I can kick it with. I mean real deal, let's kick it! I have tickets to a BIG reggae concert in Chicago next weekend. I have 1 girl that is into reggae like me- so I just KNEW she'd be down. I call her and tell her "free tickets to Buju, Wayne Wonder, ETC...and her response (just like mine) was HELLLL YEAAAH I'm down. Her exact words. She said "OH, I'm gonna make a way to go to that!" So it's on! We are goin to the concert next weekend, right? WRONG! HEFFA backs out on me last nite. sigh

Well it makes it easier on me cuz now I don't have to rush back to Cleveland, I can stay the whole weekend. BUT Dammit! Why is it that my girls don't kick it like that? I mean I know chicks that posse up and do cruises, casino trips, tropical vacations. Why can't my girls do that?

Well, it ain't gonna stop my flow. Child care arrangements have been made, flight will be booked today- BUJU I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

He doesn't know my dayum name!
So I met a gorgeous Jamaican last month. This man is so right in so many ways. We've hung out a couple of times, we talk almost daily and I noticed that he calls me baby but don't remember him using my name. So we were talking last night about last names. I had just told him mine about 1/2 hr before, and he asked me again. So I'm like "I just told you! Why don't you remember? Do you remember my 1st name?" And he got this perplexed look on his face. I'm like "OH HELL NO! YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME!!!!!!"

SWALLOW! Will ya?
Don't you hate it when you are talking to someone who seems to have a mouthful of saliva at all times? And it looks like it's packed up in the corners of their mouth. Makes me wanna say "WILL YOU SWALLOW ALREADY?"

I must have been doing a whole lotta channeling
Cuz about 1 hour after my last post about my obsession with Gargamel (Buju Banton) I got a vm from my cousin/sister/bf in Chicago. She'd said how she came across FREE tickets to see Buju, Wayne Wonder, Collie Buddz, etc next Thursday. She was seeing if I wanted to go....UHHH HELLLLLLLLLLLL YES! He's been so heavy on my mind lately. I just knew that phone call was the start of my destiny being laid out for me until-

HE'S MARRIED! WITH 8 KIDS!!!!!!
I mean, who has 8 kids now a days? This weekend, I'm telling the Jamaican about my come up on the Gargamel tickets. I also spill the beans about my infatuation with the man (because the Jamaican wanted to come so I told him that it wouldn't be right- I'd be lusting and acting a fool and can't do that with him sitting there looking at me). Then a commercial for Celebrity Apprentice comes on and Lennox Lewis flashes across the screen and I giggle. He says "I know you don't have a thing for him too?" and I say "No, he's married. I don't lust over married men" So why does he feel the need to say to me "Well, you don't know that Buju's married?" I wanted to CRY. I say "NOOOOO! he can't be!" He tells me to look it up. I search the Internet for any reference to my future husband and a current wife....I find 1 article. I read the entire (LONG ASS) article and the very last paragraph mentions how he lives in Jamaica with his wife and 8 children. Now the article was written in '03, so my immediate thought is "he could be divorced now" but it's then replaced with "EIGHT KIDS!!!! I can't EVEN!" So the Jamaican says that there's no need to lust over anyone but him now- he's not married and right here in Cleveland and available.

She was mad at me
My cousin was actually mad because I told her I couldn't help out with her surprise birthday party for HER HUSBAND. I had to call her and talk to her and we straightened it all out, but THE NERVE! sigh- If she wasn't something like the big sister I never wanted I would have had to kick her to the curb, but I love her too much for that- so I'm going to help out at the party, clean up afterwards, and keep it moving

He's BAAACK, well sort-of
I've been battling this fight with him for years. I lost in '06 and went back to him, but we ended the relationship at the end of that year. I PROMISED myself that was the end. I said I was through, and there was no going back....ever ever again.
Well, I'm holding true to that, but he's making it so hard. I made sure he couldn't contact me so instead he started going through my bff. Eventually lines of communication between us opened back up, and we are on speaking terms again. He says he needs to see me, he wants to talk to me face to face. I've been standing firm since August, but he's wearing me down. I'm getting weak...help me! I've said that if he makes the effort, I won't knock him...but I'll be dayum if I stick my neck out there again. sigh

I get so turned on from just looking at him

He's tall and skinny- the one thing I dislike in a man. I like my men big.... I want to feel secure and comfortable. And I get this feeling from a man that's taller than me and with a frame bigger than me. But this man, every time I see him I am floored, I freeze, I cheese, I gaze. It's unbelieveable that I want this man so much but I've never meet him. I am actually scared to meet him because I'm scared of what would happen. I am sure I would loose all morals, values, and standards just to satisfy this craving I've had for him since I was a teenager. Who is this man you say? Who has me so strung out that I can't function even by just hearing his name (I get moist from hearing the name alone)

I present to you, My crush Mr. Buju Banton (check out the 30 second mark- I'll go and faint now):

He's not my family!

I got a quickie! My cousin is planning her husband a huge surprise 40th birthday party. I think it's a great idea. However, she has refused to ask for help from his family. Instead she has been asking our family members to do certain things. Now I like him, I have to put that out there first. He's a great guy, but how are you going to ask your side of the family to bring dishes, and just allow his side to "just show up". That's some bull that I'm not feeling. And he's said on more than one occasion how we are "insert wife's name here family, not his.” So shouldn’t his wife be going to HIS family asking for contributions? Or am I missing something?

Wow, she hit the nail dire-Ctly on the head

I got this from Serena Williams website (she blogs there) but its so much on point that I had to repost it here:

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me..... You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he wants to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together. He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy.

As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Wasn’t you giving him enough? Space. Hummm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again u knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your hear telling you to "watch out". "Be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but u cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think.... Will it happen again.

The Maintenance Man

Have you ever had one? You know, the reliable man you call upon when you need a great night of passionate sex. I read Michael Baisden's book several years ago, but at the time I didn't completely understand why this man would be needed. I thought, as a woman, you can basically have any man you want to do anything you want. So why get involved in this purely sexual encounter time after time knowing that it will not go anywhere. Well, I hit 30 and realized that while guys came easy 7-8 years ago, that's not so much the case now. Now, my standards have changed. My needs, desires, and aspirations for a relationship are so different now, as my views on sex that if I continuously wait on "that one" I'll turn into a born again virgin (and I've done the celibacy thing already). So if I have the Maintenance Man tune me up every now and then, this will allow me to explore dating with a whole new outlook. I can lay out the ground rules up front- NO SEX for a determined amount of time to make sure that we match up on all levels. It looks like my cut off point is 3 months, so I say no sex for 4 months while we date and have the Maintenance Man on call to relieve me. Wonder if that would work for me? Wonder if the guy I have in mind would agree to this delicate position? hummmmm...........

The 3 month curse

I am cursed. I know I am. I don't know how this happened. But I know it's so. Here's the deal. Let's start with "the breakup of 06"...Now technically that relationship lasted a lot longer than 3 months (try 7 or 8 years off and on) but our on for the last time was 3 months (give or take). Things were going great. What's better than rekindling a flame with your first love? Especially after all that we went through with and without each other. But then something happened. I can't say exactly what it was, but I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. I know this man. I know his ins, his outs, his ups and his downs. So I KNEW there was something wrong. I tried to not react (because I had nothing to react to, he was constantly telling me that he was cool and things were good between us). Then, one weekend I don't hear from him. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but this particular weekend, I was dealing with my mother being in the hospital and needed someone to talk to- I needed to talk to my man. I leave him messages and he doesn't return them. This is totally out of his character. He finally calls, days later and says the one thing I didn't need to hear "I don't want to be in a relationship".

So I get over that. I vent, I cry, I move on........Start seeing a new guy. Actually, someone I knew over 10 years ago (strictly a friend at that time) but this time we decide to start seeing each other. He's 38, never been married, no children, career driven. I'm 29, single parent, career driven. So we are good, for about 2 months. Then something happened. We started bickering a little bit too often. The routine we'd created changed. The conversation got dry. And into the 3rd month, he tells me that he doesn't know if he's ready for a family. That pissed me off. I made sure to keep him seperate from my daughter and we were only DATING. So I moved on (and he called begging me back a couple months later saying how he made a big mistake).

So here we go again- about a month later I start interacting with Guy #2. Now I just knew he was safe, because of the way I met him. I knew that I wouldn't get involved with him. We had similar music interests so I figured he'd be someone I could hang out with, NSA, and just have fun. HA, yeah right- he ends up my point of fixation for about, oh say 3 MONTHS. That's how long it took for me to realize that we were never supposed to go where we went, and i needed to back up real quick.

I decide to take a break and stop looking for this man that I think I'm ready for. And while I'm chilling, someone unexpected comes along and we start this nice "thing". It's undefinable for a while, but about 2 1/2 months ago, we decided to call it a relationship. But SOMTHING'S HAPPENING. We've vibed so good for so long, but the vibe isn't right now. The interaction is dry and blah. I seriously starting to doubt that we will make it, but I don't want to give up. I don't know if it's this curse or the fact that he's just not for me.
We had a bad "disagreement" this weekend, and yesterday I told him that we needed to take some time apart to think about what it is we want, and if we are willing to give each other what it is we need. I told him that the only way I could continue with him is if we can go back to where we were 2 1/2 months ago. I don't like the place we are in and I'm not staying here. I think I'm regreting the decision though. I don't want to take time apart. I want to talk to him. I want to call him. I want this b.s. to go away and I want us to get back right.

Love sucks-

It's over- DAMMIT

I have to get this off my chest real quick.

I've been IMing my BFF because this past week I've had 2 ex's contact me, just to see how I'm doing. Now these 2 ex's, well - let me take them on one at a time

1st ex wasn't that deep of a relationship, but he basically decided that he didn't want to be involved with someone with a child. Ok, your lost. I was PISSED, but got over it and moved on. Now for the record I'm no tack head that got knocked up by some corner hustler. I'm a very grown woman who was in a relationship with a man with a plan of eternity. The plan didn't work, but we have a beautiful daughter that we raise in complete harmony. We are co-parents, at its finest and it works for us. So I was offended by this brothers move (because he was aware that I was a mother before beginning the relationship and he also had very limited access to my daughter). But again- I couldn't hate him for his preferences.
So why on gods green earth does he call me sunday, out of the blue. We have a very general, very bland conversation for about 1 hour (again, trying not to SHOW that I was affected by his decision). I get a text from him later that night saying that he still cares about me and misses me. Now, the FUCKER didn't even have the decency during our hour long conversation to once ask how my daughter is doing. He ALSO didn't ask anything about my mother, who was dealing with breast cancer when I was with him. Then he calls again several times monday- all calls get ignored. He calls a couple times tuesday, and sends another text message (something like he wants to stick his tongue in my love hole to which I reply- U got issues)....So now the bitch has come out- in full mode. I call him:

Me: what's up? Why are you calling me?
Him: just wanted to see how I'd been doing.
Me: BULLSHIT, you did that sunday, then you send stupid ass messages- what's up? What do you want?
**crickets**
Me: "you haven't called in months, why now?"
Him: "Well you haven't called me either"
Me: "EXACTLY! Months ago I wasn't good enough for me. Months ago you didn't want to be in a relationship. Months ago you didn't want to talk to me anymore, but now you have the nerve to just start calling and sending text messages as if nothing ever happened. I talked to you sunday with no problem. I endured your corny ass jokes, I even ignored the bullshit text sunday night. But you've overstepped your bounds with this last message. Your a selfish asshole"
Him: "O, so I'm an asshole. Ok, I won't call you anymore. Is that what you want?"
Me: "Do you have anything else to say?"
**crickets**
Convo ends. ........

Now today, the one guy that I just KNEW I was going to be with for the rest of my life (see all old posts about love and all that other bullshit), and ironically enough the guy who I was with before dude above sends an email today saying he just wanted to see how I'm doing and would love to talk to me.
Mutha-fucka for why? I'd already told him that the on again off again thing ended with the last round. If we didn't work out, we needed to move on because it wasn't fair to keep going back and forth. We didn't work, we've moved on. He calls my BFF to find out how I'm doing. What's up with that? I got my cell number changed so he couldn't call me so he calls her instead.
My BFF has an ex who's getting married. And this bastard wants to call her and share his joy with her. Now mind you that they were high school sweethearts that went off and on through out college and into adulthood. So there's a long history. Also, they were together a few months before this engagement. Now, I guess I'm happy that dude found his mate, but negro you ain't got to rub your joy all up in my girls broken heart. And she's to dayum poliet and sweet to tell this fucker that she's hurt by the action. Happy for him, but the shit hurts! She thought HE was going to be the one, and he turned out to be- the one for someone else. I mean invites to the wedding, calling talking about the ring and plans for the future with the OTHER woman- COME ON! I was so upset that I wanted to call him myself and curse him out, but it isn't my business. So I just try to control my hot head, and support her- but I want to slap the teeth out of his mouth

Call me Capt’n Save-A-Negro

Guy #2. Sigh- I tend to find lost causes, and try to help them be better than they are. I guess you can say I try to upgrade them. I judge a person by their character, and that judgment may shift, based off what they show me further into the relationship. Guy #2 has issues, some serious issues. He has a tendency to say one thing, but act a totally different way. He also kicks it- hard. Ok, I’m not going to hate because I’m a homebody. I go to work, and go home. I hang out maybe on a Friday night every once and a while. But for the most part, I enjoy the peace and relaxation of being home. He plays these head games. He says he likes me so much. He really cares about me and hasn’t had this type of feeling in a long time. But then he doesn’t call for days. THEN when he does call, it’s to question me on why I hadn’t called. I’m too old for games like that, and I don’t like to be questioned, so those comments get ignored. He says he doesn’t call because he’s trying so hard not to get attached. But then, after a night of kicking it, he calls and wants to spill his guts to me. I begin to get bored. While the cat and mouse game is cute for the 1^st couple of weeks, several months in and it becomes too much, too boring, and I lose interest. Oh, and let’s not forget about the other chick. Oh, yes, there’s another chick involved. How do I know you ask? Let’s just say fate doesn’t allow bullshit to grow for long before being exposed. But he doesn’t care about her. He was just confused about me. He should have never ever messed with her. He just didn’t know how to handle his feeling for me. So I tell him we need to talk. We need to get all this shit out in the open, and decide what we are going to do. I’ve been very compromising up until this point. But it’s time to set some definite boundaries. We’re supposed to talk Thursday. But I don’t hear from him. He IM’s me Friday and we try to arrange this session for Saturday…Again- he’s a no show. Now he does text me, in the middle of the night- but I ignore him and continue my journey through lala land. This morning- another IM and I blow up. But at the end of the IM’ing, I’m the bad guy. All he did was IM me to say hi and see how I’m doing and he got cursed out and called a child. So I ask if he was really offended, he says yes, a little. I tell him he’s not half as offended as I am and that’s the end of the conversation. So another one bites the dust

Guy #3: Mr. P*ssy Revisited

Well, I’ve talked a lot about Guy #2…and I updated you on the drunk (Guy #1) but let me give you the scoop on Mr. P*ssy. We’ll call him Guy #3. We’ve kept in touch since our encounter. But I’ve told you about my phobia of being seen in public with the guy who has a good word of mouth (http://lulifeandtimes.blogspot.com/2007/01/lets-talk-sex-citys-mr-pssy.html ). So I haven’t really entertained any thought other than he and I being cool. But he’s been kinda of verbally persistent about us getting together. Now I say verbally persistent, because up until recently it’s been all talk. I’m a show me girl. Don’t talk about it, be about it! Ya dig? Lately, Guy #3 (It’s so hard not to call him Mr. P*ssy!) has been showing up. The calls have been getting more consistent, the dates have been more often, and the conversations are just flowing. Yesterday was a perfect example. We decided to hang out at the lake. So we got a blanket and headed out to this new extension to a very popular lake. It was cool, because the new extension isn’t crowded at all. So we lay around and talked for what turned into a couple of hours. Before we knew it the sun was getting ready to set. So we joked about marking that day down in the calendar as the 1^st sunset that we watched together! It was funny, because while the sun was setting, we were both in our phones trying to document the day and time in the calendar. We almost missed the whole thing! lol.

But I have made a promise to myself. I’m NOT going to screw him (again) - well, at least not until we’ve determined if we are actually going to become an item. At this point, I’m not too sure, but we’ll see what happens.

What would you do? More on Guy#2

I like him, alot. I can admit that I do. And it's not just sexual; even though it helps that he's absolutely wonderful in bed. But he has this thing about him. It's a little bit of mystery mixed in with genuine kindness and a little touch of thug. He has this deliciously dark skin that makes me tingle when I look at him. I adore him. I'm a pro at hiding my feelings though, and he's been trying to pull them out, but failing miserably every time. He'll go days without calling, expecting me to call him and flip out. But after he realizes that I haven't responded, he'll call or IM, or TXT me and HE flips out. And I nonchalantly reply that he is just as capable of calling me as I am of calling him. He’ll ask if I miss him, I reply “Maybe” and he’ll say “Well I was coming over but now I’m not”. I’ll keep the conversation moving like he didn’t say anything. Yesterday morning, he was playing around like he didn’t want to sex. I woke up (LATE) and figured since I was already late for work I might as well get me some, but he was playing stingy. So I got pissed. And this one I couldn’t hide because I don’t like you playing w/my sex drive. When I want to screw, I want to screw! No buts about it! Gimme what I want! I got out of bed and he’s like “OK OK I’m just playing”. I looked at him, and turned back around to my closet to (acting like I was) pick out something to wear. I was LIVID! He kept telling me to ‘come back to bed’ (I love John Mayer). I ignore him and walked towards the bathroom. He jumped up and grabbed me, and then I gave in…………….I can’t resist him.

But I know he’s not ready to commit, and I ‘m fine with that. But for how long? How long can I wait? How long would you wait? I think he does want to be with me, he’s just scared. He’s horrible at expressing his feelings, which is another endearing trait of his. But that in itself gets annoying because I don’t understand how a “grown-up” can’t communicate. He says that I’m good for him, and he doesn’t want to disappoint me. He doesn’t want me to be mad at him. Should I be patient, and just allow this to grow? Should I just say screw it and move on before I get too attached? What should I do?

Update on Weight Matters

I've enjoyed the detox phase of this diet that I've decided to use this as the basis for what I'm trying to accomplish. Before I give you my plan, let me update you. I started this "diet" Tuesday, May 29th and my official weight this morning was 6 lbs less than this time last week!!!!
It was HARD AS SHIT! for the first 3 days and I was a mess. I was having headaches, I was tired, moody, etc. So I modified the diet. It's something like this now:
I fix 2 bowls (appx40oz) of mixed fruit (including watermelon, cantelope, strawberry, banana, granny smith and red delicious apples, navel oranges, pinapples, and nectarines). I eat one for breakfast (AFTER MY DAYUM LATTE!) and the other for lunch. In between those two bowls, if I feel the need I'll get 1 1/2 handful of lightly salted peanuts. After lunch, if I feel the need again I'll get another handful of nuts. For dinner I'll either eat a bowl of broccoli or green beans, and 2 slices of wheat bread, or a 3rd bowl of fruit.

So what I've decided to do is eat fruit & veggies M-F and over the weekends add in a little something extra. Since the weather has been pretty good around here, it's not hard to eat fruit all day, and the grocery store has a nice selection of fruits so I'm going to try and stick this out for as long as I see results. 1 more lbs and I'll be out of the danger zone and half way to my goal. Hopefully this time next week I'll be sharing that good news with you!

Wish me luck :)

He's falling but doesn't want to

Guy #2…..What can I say? Where should I start? I told you that there wasn’t an emotional attachment to either guy. We hung out; we were attracted to each other. Things happened, and we kept moving on. I wasn’t into Guy #1, so I hadn’t seen him anymore after that night. Guy #2 is a different story. We were into each other, physically and otherwise. He’s a great guy! He’s one of those guys that will walk up behind you, wrap his arms around your waist, lay his chin on your shoulder, and it makes you feel so safe and warm. I truly adore this guy. BUT, I tried to make sure a certain “distance” was kept. After all, I am still getting over the “breakup of 06” and can admit that I’m not ready to give myself to anyone on that level this soon. But having that one person you can talk to for hours, hang out with, and have great sex without any stress, drama, or BS feels good.

He’s also getting over a relationship that ended after 7years (I think) last summer. He told me when we first started talking that he wasn’t ready to be in another one, which I could totally respect.

Afterall, (per Charlotte - SATC) for every breakup, your recovery time should total up to half of the term of the relationship? So, it’ll take him at least 3.5 years to recover, right? So, I wasn’t expecting anything from him. /sarcasm

BUT, he’s caught feelings, so he’s said. He doesn’t know how to handle these feelings and is sending out mixed messages which I HATE.

Why can’t we just leave well enough alone? Why can’t things just be simple? Why are YOU catching feelings? Shouldn’t it be me falling all quick? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should just bounce or if I should stick around, and help him work out his anxieties. He’s been trying to feel me out for over 2 months now. But I’m not sure if I want to get all in my feelings.

OH WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????????????????????????

Cryptic Phone Call

Last night starting around 11pm I began getting phone calls from a restricted number. Now I am notorious for not answering my phone, especially if you block your number. So if you are calling me past dark, and I don't know who you are, I'll hit "ignore" and keep it moving. No one I want to talk to will call me late and unidentified. The last call was at 3:19am, when he finally decided to leave a VM. It was cryptic in nature, and took me a minute to realize that it was "Guy #1":-O......I had decided that I wasn't going to talk anymore about him. But this VM tripped me out, so I feel compelled to fill you all in. Guy #1 was a guy I was with in high school. He'd claimed to have some seriously deep feelings for me and that I hurt him. I, however, vaguely remember anything about the relationship or how it ended. The one thing I did remember is he had the biggest d*ck I'd ever experienced. One of the reasons I decided to sleep with him again was to find out if it was as big in my adult life as it was in my teen years.

I was hesitant about going through with my thoughts because he kept trying to reminisce on things that happened back in the day, and like I said I don’t remember NOTHING! But he caught me one day. I didn’t have anything to do and was bored. He stopped through, and things were innocent enough, but that thought lingered in the back of my mind. So as you know, it happened, and you know the results. Now mind you this was MONTHS ago!

So I’d been getting little cute text messages here and there. Requests to see me again. He wants to take me out. He wants us to get together. And the only time I’d get a phone call was when he was drunk. Then he’d ramble on and on about us and how good we could be. These calls reminded me of why I stopped talking to him in high school. He’s a FUCKING DRUNK (and was back then)! A hostel drunk at that! So our last phone conversation was approximately 2 weekends ago. He once again called drunk, talking about how he couldn’t take not seeing me, not talking to me, he wants me, yada yada yada. I told him I was sleeping (lying trying to get him off my phone) and told him I’d talk to him later. He got agitated, mumbled something incoherently, and then tried to hang up on me. He fumbled with the phone trying to hang it up and I heard “BITCH” then he finally hung up. About 3 days later I sent him a text simply saying “So I’m a bitch now, huh?” but hadn’t gotten a reply. Until his cryptic VM last night.

He said something like he felt he should call me (at 3 in the morning); he thought it’d be best to turn his phone off. He doesn’t know what I mean by my text because he’d never call me a bitch, and I don’t have to call him again (I hadn’t called but 1 or 2 times anyway and not at all since “the night”). Then he says he’ll call me…But WhY? Just leave it alone.

Why can’t I just find a man who had his head securely planted onto his shoulders? A man who works hard, and plays even harder. A man who loves life and is ready to be in a committed relationship without drama, bullshit, or any of that extra crap that I just can’t tolerate. WHERE IS HE?????????????????????????????

I guess since I’ve given the 411 on Guy #1, you wanna hear about Guy #2, right? Well, maybe but not right now- I have to go and get some more fruit. I also have an update on Mr. Pussy- but that’ll have to wait too.