Monday, April 21, 2008

She's living the life that should have been mine

Have you ever had that feeling? You see someone living the life that should be yours. You see someone benefiting from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into someone else to get them right. Reality is hitting me hard this morning. I have an ex, he's actually my 1st real relationship (as much bullshit as it was, it was my 1st). He and I had a lot of issues, most steaming from the fact that we were young and trying to live our college lives while having this long distance relationship. We were together for 3 years then had this gray area for about 1 year. During the gray area time, I met and fell in love with the man that I know I'm meant to be with (whether that happens or not is another story). My ex tried and tried for a while to get us back. But my heart, my head and my loyalty had moved towards the LOML and all the pain that I went through with the ex wasn’t worth me going back. So he eventually moved on and is now engaged to one of the women that he cheated on me with. I found out he was with her a couple of years ago and also found out that they had been an on/off item for years (including the time he and I were together and the time he was trying to get me back). I also found out that she had no idea I was in the picture so I don’t have any bitterness towards her and in a way I ‘m glad that they have found what it takes to commit and become a family. But this competitive spirit I have inside of me is roaring mad! I mean, come on- how does the bad guy end up on top? How is it that she is able to have what I had been trying to get for years? It’s not fair! He should be miserable and unhappy and still uncertain about life! I mean, he cheated on me over and over again. He had 3, count them- 3 accused pregnancies during our time together, and the 3rd was his (mind you the 1st accusation was by the girl he is now engaged to). So I know I did the right thing by me to leave him for good. I know that I would never be happy with him, because I know what he is capable of, and the damage was done so long ago.
This weekend, I was over my cousins house, and we were talking about him and his upcoming nuptials, and my cousin says “Awe, he’s getting married!” then looks to me and says “Poor thing” as if to say I lost my chance and I fucked up. Well I say “He is marrying a woman that he cheated on me with. I left him because he constantly cheated on me. How am I the poor thing?” I swear I can’t win

No comments: