Monday, August 16, 2010


Hello to my 3 faithful readers! I know it's been well over a year since I've been here. Well actually, not so much- see I have a Wedding Blog that I tried to keep up with, but now the wedding is over, I'm a married woman, and I came back here and read through all of my old blogs. Wow, what a wonderful way to reminisce about past relationships, ups, downs, and all that in between. I have had some crazy situations, which I'm so glad I put to words, because reading them back, it's as if they just happened yesterday.
So, now I'm married and have a stable and healthy relationship with the LOML. Now I'm not saying we are perfect, because we have our drama and issues like everybody else. But we both want the relationship. I've never known a man that wants to be in a committed and honest relationship and works on bettering themselves constantly.
Now I'm thinking about starting my blogging back up, but of course the focus has to change. Let me think about it and get back at 'cha.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

New "All things Wedding Blog ALERT!"

I created a separate blog: to talk about the pains and joys of wedding planning. Figured it would be safer in it's own section this way if family or co workers, or his friends or family get to it I won't have to explain guy #2, Mr. Pussy, the jamaican, etc! lol

Follow it! peace :)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


So I've been gone away for a long time, and a lot has happened. I've been browsing through all of my old posts, laughing at the memories. Where do I start, let's see....uhhh I'm ENGAGED!!!!!!!! :) The LOML finally got his act right, and realized he couldn't live without me (insert laugh here) and moved me and the kid to Kentucky to live with him about 3 months ago. Notice I said 3 months ago!!!! Remember the 3 month curse I have (HAD). We are doing really good, although it was a little bumpy at first. We are planning on a late June early July 2010 wedding and I'm so nervous and excited. Here's where I am trying to convince him to have the wedding, isn't it beautiful?

Baby P'tron was born- but was a big ole fat girl! She's so cute and around the same time my little sister (the one I talked about using drugs at 15) had a little adorable girl also. I'm feeling all maternal again, getting soft for babies- but NO BABY FOR US right now! Here's the little munchkin that has my heart right now though:

Like I said earlier, I moved to Kentucky almost 3 months ago. We got a house in a really nice subdevelopment and it's been fun (and pain) decorating. Below's the front of the house w/my daughter and her poodle

That's all for now. I have a lot more to gossip about, but I'm tired and about to go to sleep for the night. I am thinking about starting a sister blog, that will be dedicated to all things wedding related. I don't think it would be a good idea to do that here, considering all the "other" talk I've had- but I'll decide soon enough.

Toodles :)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Are you still friends with your ex

original publish date: 7/26/07
So I have to get this off my chest real quick. I'm going to go about this in more detail in my alter-ego blog but I don't have enough time to compose that so I'm going to ramble here for a minute.I've been IMing my BFF because this past week I've had 2 ex's contact me, "just to see how I'm doing". She has 2 ex's both of whom are engaged to other women, but still want to be friends with her. Now these aren't fly by night relationships. Not casual acquaintances, but actual long term relationship.When is it NOT appropriate to be friends with an ex. Would you be OK communicating regularly with someone you thought was your soul mate? Or once it's over, it's over?

Is Beauty in the eye of the beholder?

original publish date: 7/31/07
What is more important to you when choosing a mate? Is it their physical appearance? Or something else?If I could define what I'm attracted to physically it would be a man taller than me (I'm 5'9"), at least 210 lbs, dark smooth skin, and a full beard is a plus. Now I've dated way outside of this, but I tend to fall so weak for a man that fits my physical desire- regardless to how bad he is for me overall.I figured as I got older, this wouldn't be so much of an issue. I've matured in so many ways, but this is one that has stuck with me and won't go away! I really hope I haven't passed my knight is shining armor by because I dropped him because he didn't fit my physical criteria

Another day that begins with Starbuck's (but OF COURSE!)

original publish date: 8/24/07
I'm a Starbuck's-aholic! I'll be the first to admit that. I gladly "waste" $3.35 every morning to enjoy my grande, 180 degree, no fat, no foam latte! But the "regulars" such as myself know that it isn't just coffee. They know that the Starbuck's regulars all share something in common. We bond. We become friendly. It's just the Starbuck's way. In my alter ego blog, I mentioned how I switched cafe's, and I've been going to this newer one for at while now. There's a crew of motorcycle cops that are there every morning. But this morning was so funny that I had to share it. I did my usual, placed my order, smiled at the cashier, got my latte (for FREE - being a regular does have its perks). I walk out of the door, and wait to cross the street when I hear a voice behind me say "'Scuse me ma'am, do you need help crossing the street?" I look behind me and it's one of the cops. So I smile, and say "Well if you are offering to help, I'll accept the offer. This cops runs up to me, grasps me (very tightly) and I say "UH, are you going to STOP traffic?" (There were ON COMING CARS which was why I was waiting to cross). He says "For you? ANYTHING!” and he starts to cross the street, with ME attached to him. I was so tickled. Now of course there was only about 2 cars coming, but still, he made it look as though he was my bodyguard rushing me through a sea of paparazzi. He gets me to my truck, opens the door, and says “A beautiful woman like you will make me smile all day long” AWWWWWEEEE!!!!!! That made my day.
Guess I know who paid for my latte, huh?
Have a great day

Text Siggys, and those who take them personally

original publish date: 6/20/07
I text, ALOT! So I decided that I would start putting signatures at the end of my messages. Although, everyone I text would get them, they would usually be directed towards someone in particular, a "hidden" message if you would.It's so funny to read some of the responses from my signatures. I've had stuff like 2k7 = Chg, ItsABTMENotU, GravityGoAway!. But I've also had positive tags like "LiveLifeLove" and...well that's the only positive one I can think of right now but there's been a couple positive messages. But one person takes each and every signature very personally. I mean EVERY TIME I change it, they have questions. Guilty conscious? Maybe if he'd treated me better when he had me, he wouldn't be worried about what I'm trying to say. Besides, if he knows me like he swears he does, he'd know that I've already said all I'm GOING to say to him.Another knows exactly when I'm talking to him, but he gets the message confused sometimes and if I have to EXPLAIN it, all the fun is taken out of it.And my girls LOVE IT! They always call me cracking up, because THEY GET IT! But of course they do- they are my girls!

Where do they come from?

original publish date: 6/4/07
Those annoyingly obnoxious people that just don't seem to get the point. I sent a text message to a friend to see if he was going walking today. Here's the conversation:Me: You walking 2dayHim: yesMe: I'm going to join you..time?Him: 5:30Me: Nvr mind, won't b off work til aftr 6..maybe next timeHim: We can still do it...Only if u r wearin stilettos while walkin it out...sho me suminMe: uhhhh, huh? Well it's abt 2 rain nowHim: U do dat...And I will make it rain fo sho on u Ms. "I luv *$s!!!" now wut u kno bout dat**At this point I realize he's MISINTERPRETED my current signature line which reads "I luv *$s!!"...and means I LUV STARBUCKS. I have no idea what he THINKS it means**Me: WTF? OKHim: I will make it rain...oh so now u dumb huh? Boo boo da foolMe: Me dumb, no...but u are talkin crazinessHim: Tell me u don't know what makin it rain means...Ask a black man around u what dat means. he'll tell uMe: I meant LITERALLY....It's about to rain dudeHim: No shyt einstine**I don't respond**Him: what da hell..u would think I know that. I'm a mailman**I don't respond**Him: U R a genius**I don't respond**Him: But**I don't respond**Him: I love u...I doMe: OK **insert name here**Him: I hope u r laughinMe: I'm not**He calls.... I hit Ignore.Me: bzy ttylHim:Well I was jokin w/u**I don't respond**Him: Hav a good one at work ok...X's & O'sPlease tell me how he turned this conversation sexual. And why keep playing into it when u see I'm not responding to you. Are you that dayum obnoxious that you can't tell when you are annoying someone? I asked you if you were walking, and I've never gave you the impression that I was even slightly into you or attracted to you.SIGH

Friday, May 9, 2008

You big DUMMY!

Now I am NOT the most grammatically correct person in the world, and I can admit that. It's especially hard when you are typing (and type as fast as I do) and working, and talking on the phone all at the same time. But one can normally tell when you just made a typo and when you are clearly on the verge of ignorance...sigh

Ok, the point of this post: my high school has an alumni website where you can join, create a profile, and communicate with former classmates. It's actually a wonderful idea and has been all positive, thus far.

So I'm being my nosey self and looking at random pages, and I come across some of the saddest posts. If you need a laugh for today, read on:
- Oh yeah, well big up to you retarded clown! What's a hat-Ter?

- Same chick from above, does this say anything about her?

  • "loo said her and pam is going with us today is loo birthday!"
- Yeah, her again and she's still STUPID and I would HAT (hey that's how SHE spelled it, right?) to converSATE with her (insert straight face here). And I bet her name is LU.
  • "i have for children and i am a auditor at the renaissance hotel"
- you have for or four? I'm just saying though

I understand with all the Black Friday deals, Bundle packages, and Rebate checks, more and more people are able to get computers and now log into the Internet. But we've GOTTA do better PEOPLES

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The story of the 26 year old

The story of the 26 year old

I think back to when I was 26. I had just had a pivotal moment in my life. I had just crossed the threshold from being a carefree, energetic, spontaneous bachelorette to being a settled down career woman and mother. In all honesty, the motherhood slowed me down. Had that not happened I probably would have kicked it hard until I turned 30. At 26, I would have not dreamed of giving a 26 year old guy the time of day. It just wouldn't happen. I've been notorious for dating older men. The smallest age gap has been 2 years and the biggest has been 20. The only exception to that is the LOML who is 2 years YOUNGER than me.
So there’s this 26 year old that had been trying to take me out for a while. Now, I haven’t had the best of luck in the dating world, so I figured it would be cool to just hang out with him. We started talking every now and then, going to the movies, just having a very harmless friendship- I mean he’s 26 and I’m 31 for goodness sake! Well somewhere in between the casual dinners and movies we started having sex. Now I’m blurry on the why’s and how’s of how it started, all I am clear on is this guy completely surprised me! I mean, ok- stamina taken out of the picture (he's 26, he SHOULD have stamina) but even without that, the sex is absolutely mindblowing. I’m really glad that I started working out 3 times a week back in February, because I think without that I could not handle this dude. I mean he twists and turns me in all kinds of positions, he has a huge di*k (Almost bigger than the LOML- ALMOST), he has a crazy stroke. I mean the boy is bad! But he’s 26.
I can’t date a 26 year old. It just isn't natural, is it? I mean, he’s 26. I’m 31. I'm a business woman, a mother, I'm a “Grown Woman” as Mary J. would say. He's IMHO just now reaching the point where he should be starting to settle down. I've been settled for years now. He teases me and tells me that I need to loosen up a little, but to me he’s too lax. It wouldn't work, would it? Well, the sex is great, that I can’t take away from him. But he’s 26.
If I DID decide to start dating him, does that mean that I'm a cougar ?

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Dream

I keep having this very weird dream. I've been having it for as long as I can remember, but it's starting to change, and is getting even more weird. It's even becoming a part of my daydreams and I'm starting to worry a little.
I remember years ago, I was probably no more than 5 years old; I was over my aunts’ house visiting. I was outside playing, and was running up and down the street. I remember running, while turning my head back and forth (making myself very dizzy- don't ask me why). I remember running directly into a utility pole which was right in front of my aunts’ house. I remember getting to her front door- but that's it. The next thing I knew, I woke up with a big ass bump on my head.
So the dream- In my dream, I actually never woke up. I had been in a coma for years! So everything that has happened to me has actually been a part of my dreams while in this coma. Going to college, all the drama, all the bad relationships, my child, and my friends were all a figment of my imagination. In the dream I finally wake up (as a 20 something year old- YAAAAY dream!) and get to basically start life (over). This was GREAT at first until I realize that I don’t have my child- who is the center of my universe. I also don't have my degree or my great career. So the dream becomes a nightmare because life as I "thought" I knew it doesn't really exist.
Now here's the twist: The more recent dreams are still the same, except HE's a part of it now. The LOML (love of my life)! Of course, because I'd been dreaming, he's not really the love of my life and I don't actually know him at all. This is just another blow to me when I wake up. But apparently (in my dream) he does ACTUALLY exist! And HE'S been in a coma for years as well! AND his coma came around the same time as mine! AND- he wakes up around the same time as I do! AND- he dreamed about me as well. So someone somewhere finds out about us and decides to get us together to meet. And we fall in love, and marry, and live the rest of our lives together. And the greatest part is that I get my child back...The beautiful baby that I dreamed I had while I was in the coma, I actually have while I'm with him. She's the EXACT same child from her looks to her mannerisms. The only difference is her father is who it SHOULD BE! WOW!

Monday, April 21, 2008

She's living the life that should have been mine

Have you ever had that feeling? You see someone living the life that should be yours. You see someone benefiting from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into someone else to get them right. Reality is hitting me hard this morning. I have an ex, he's actually my 1st real relationship (as much bullshit as it was, it was my 1st). He and I had a lot of issues, most steaming from the fact that we were young and trying to live our college lives while having this long distance relationship. We were together for 3 years then had this gray area for about 1 year. During the gray area time, I met and fell in love with the man that I know I'm meant to be with (whether that happens or not is another story). My ex tried and tried for a while to get us back. But my heart, my head and my loyalty had moved towards the LOML and all the pain that I went through with the ex wasn’t worth me going back. So he eventually moved on and is now engaged to one of the women that he cheated on me with. I found out he was with her a couple of years ago and also found out that they had been an on/off item for years (including the time he and I were together and the time he was trying to get me back). I also found out that she had no idea I was in the picture so I don’t have any bitterness towards her and in a way I ‘m glad that they have found what it takes to commit and become a family. But this competitive spirit I have inside of me is roaring mad! I mean, come on- how does the bad guy end up on top? How is it that she is able to have what I had been trying to get for years? It’s not fair! He should be miserable and unhappy and still uncertain about life! I mean, he cheated on me over and over again. He had 3, count them- 3 accused pregnancies during our time together, and the 3rd was his (mind you the 1st accusation was by the girl he is now engaged to). So I know I did the right thing by me to leave him for good. I know that I would never be happy with him, because I know what he is capable of, and the damage was done so long ago.
This weekend, I was over my cousins house, and we were talking about him and his upcoming nuptials, and my cousin says “Awe, he’s getting married!” then looks to me and says “Poor thing” as if to say I lost my chance and I fucked up. Well I say “He is marrying a woman that he cheated on me with. I left him because he constantly cheated on me. How am I the poor thing?” I swear I can’t win

Thursday, March 27, 2008


That is my all time favorite quote from a movie? Why? Because it’s the words right out of my mouth. I believe that if you truly respect a person, you will not lie to that person. For no other reason that pure respect- you don’t lie. Cleveland has the sorriest pool of men I’ve EVER seen! I mean they lie, cheat, and then make you look like the dayum fool. They try to make you feel like you did something wrong when you know in your heart of hearts you’ve been upfront and honest from the start. So what’s my drama of the moment you ask? Let me fill you in. I’ve been talking about Mr. Pussy for a little over a year now. And things haven’t changed much from where they were last time I mentioned him, and that means we never officially started a relationship. We still hang out, he still lives up to his name, but that’s about it. So I’d say around Nov/Dec I got a random phone call one night from a girl asking me if I’m “seeing Mr. Pussy?” She goes on to ask if I knew he had a girlfriend. I say “If you are his girl, then why are you calling me asking if I’m seeing him”. So she hangs up the phone, I question him on it and of course he plays the stupid role. I brush it off, but tell him that I don’t appreciate shit like that and to please keep his groupies at bay. I tell him that if he IS dating anyone I need full disclosure. He swears he’s not and then we move on. So one day I’m browsing Myspace and decide to check out his page. I see a pic of him and a girl (he’s a que she’s an aka) and the pic is titled “The woman and I”. So I send an email to him and ask him about it and he again brushes it off, tries the double talk, etc. Now because we aren’t in a relationship, I can’t question him on anything, and I am cool with that. But I do expect FULL DISCLOSURE. And I also expect honest answers. So now I’m cautious. I’m paying a little more attention to detail. I’m debating on just pulling the switch on this whole thing or waiting to see what happens. Everytime we hook up or are talking, I ask him about the girlfriend and he swears there’s no other. But he’s lying. I finally had enough circumstantial evidence to suggest that he is indeed involved with this Myspace girl. But since I already know I’m not getting any answers from him, I send her a message. I’m very polite, and explain my situation with Mr. Pussy to her. I ask her if she’s in a relationship with him because I can’t deal with lies and drama. She confirms their status and asks me a few questions. I tell her what’s been going on with with us for the past year and tell her that I’m done with it but I just needed verification and I apologized for bothering her. So that’s where it ends yesterday.

I check my messages this morning, and I notice from the last message she sent yesterday that her picture has changed. So I decide to click and view her profile and this is what I see:

So I guess he gave her the same bull he gave me and she’s decided to take his word for it, which is fine. He’s your man and you should believe your man, right? I also guess that’s a big “FUCK YOU!” to me, huh?

Well all I can say is that I did what I felt was right. I’m NOT letting a man play with my emotions or break my stride- so I’m better off and I wish them well

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Why lie?

I don't get it. I really don't understand. We are adults. We all have feelings. We all want respect. So why lie? Why say you aren't involved with anyone but you really are? Why involve me in that mess of a drama that is bound to follow behind your lie? Why why why?

Why be with me, take me around your family and friends? Why make plans to be with me for ever and make those same plans with someone else? Why lead me on for weeks, months, hell years knowing that your heart isn't true and your words are fake?

I'm a good person. I'm straight forth. I'm caring and understanding. I'm also very clear on where I stand- if you have someone, we can be friends. There's no hard feelings at all. But please don't get me caught up in a blind 3way. Please don't do that to me, because I don't deserve it. I don't want midnite anonomous phone calls from women trying to find out why their man has all of a sudden become distant so she's decided to go through his cell phone. I don't want someone knocking at my door with a child on thier hips whose eyes resemble yours. I don't want to think you are the one- and my search is finally over; only to find out there's another woman thinking the same thing about you. That's so cruel and you are a cruel person to do that to me.

And yes I become bitter! But can you really blame me? I mean I was honest with you from the start and I told you where I stood on this issue. So how are you now shocked because the bit*h has been stirred up? You bastard grow up and be a man!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Random thoughts- round 2

So where’s guy #2?
My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't written about guy #2 in a while, and it isn't because we haven't been in contact. I was going to leave him and his business out of this, but this is reality and his reality has intertwined into mine. He's gone away- for 3 or 4 years (or something crazy like that). He finally confessed to me the reason he was acting like Cybil all last summer and it was because he knew he'd eventually be locked up. I guess getting involved would be a mute point, because it would be short lived. I was sad when he first told me he would be going away; he's a great guy who chose a screwed up path. But that's the breaks. I continued to do my thing and gave him his space to do what ever he was going to do until Dday. He called me that morning he was turning himself in to tell me he would really miss me, and I said the same, he said he'd write me and that was it. So today I decide to look at the Ohio Inmates search and pulled up his sheet. That's when it hit. That's when I became affected. It's so sad. He looks lifeless. Nothing like the man I adored. Nothing like the person I was getting to know.

Old Friends
When I graduated from High School, I was pretty much a loner. My clique broke up in 93 (over some stupid high school stuff) and my last few years I decided to roll solo. It was cool, because my crew actually all ended up dropping out, except for one girl who transferred. So I went to college and had no ties to my former life. My college buddies became my life long friends and I really don't think back about the high school times.
This past week, I've ran into 3 of my high school classmates, just on a humble. One of those three was my absolute best friend (the one who transferred). It's brought up some serious emotions, especially when I ran into my best friend. She's still the same chick as real as can be. She told me she was in contact with the other 2 girls we hung with for a minute. But just to see her made me nostalgic. We had so much fun back in the day. We got into SO MUCH TROUBLE back in the day. We were 5 honor students (4 girls and 1 boy) and we used to get into so much stuff. We caused mini riots, we fought constantly, and we were always causing disruption in class. You would have never thought we were all carrying GPA's above 3.5. Makes you wonder why 3 of them dropped out, huh?

How was Buju?

WONDERFUL! Thanks for asking. My family is kind of upset though because I didn’t go and visit anyone while I was in Chicago. But I was really only there for 1 day and I was TIRED! So I slept half the day and well- it doesn’t matter. I didn’t call or visit anybody but the family I was staying with. I went with one intention- to see my man. And he was so darn HIGH! It was comical how twisted he was onstage. Collie Budz is a fine ass man! And Wayne Wonder is a smooth dude. I peeped the band though, so I chose to focus on Buju (I KNOW HE’S MARRIED TOO BUT HE’S STILL MY MAN)

Baby P’tron

My brother (actually my cousin) is expecting his fourth child!!!!! His wife really didn’t want anymore kids so she went to the dr. to get an I.U.D. and the doc informed her that she couldn’t get the birth control because she’s preggo! She cried and cried for days then found out she’s 2.5 months. Um, well she’s kicked it HARD over the past month (I know cuz I’ve been with her) and she was drinking Patron like it was water….So I told her I hope it’s a boy because I will be calling him P’TRON!

The Soldier Boy effect on my daughter

Well, just see for yourself

This was when she was LEARNING the dance:

And NOW (she’s PERFECTED it!)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Now Accepting Applications for new friends

minimal requirements: not into drama, would never mess with anyone I've ever dealt with (NO EXCEPTIONS), hard worker, loves REGGAE, accepts and returns brutal honesty, willing to party like a rockstar every now and then but doesn't LIVE to party, family oriented

I need to meet some new friends. I have NO ONE that I can kick it with. I mean real deal, let's kick it! I have tickets to a BIG reggae concert in Chicago next weekend. I have 1 girl that is into reggae like me- so I just KNEW she'd be down. I call her and tell her "free tickets to Buju, Wayne Wonder, ETC...and her response (just like mine) was HELLLL YEAAAH I'm down. Her exact words. She said "OH, I'm gonna make a way to go to that!" So it's on! We are goin to the concert next weekend, right? WRONG! HEFFA backs out on me last nite. sigh

Well it makes it easier on me cuz now I don't have to rush back to Cleveland, I can stay the whole weekend. BUT Dammit! Why is it that my girls don't kick it like that? I mean I know chicks that posse up and do cruises, casino trips, tropical vacations. Why can't my girls do that?

Well, it ain't gonna stop my flow. Child care arrangements have been made, flight will be booked today- BUJU I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Random Thoughts

He doesn't know my dayum name!
So I met a gorgeous Jamaican last month. This man is so right in so many ways. We've hung out a couple of times, we talk almost daily and I noticed that he calls me baby but don't remember him using my name. So we were talking last night about last names. I had just told him mine about 1/2 hr before, and he asked me again. So I'm like "I just told you! Why don't you remember? Do you remember my 1st name?" And he got this perplexed look on his face. I'm like "OH HELL NO! YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME!!!!!!"

SWALLOW! Will ya?
Don't you hate it when you are talking to someone who seems to have a mouthful of saliva at all times? And it looks like it's packed up in the corners of their mouth. Makes me wanna say "WILL YOU SWALLOW ALREADY?"

I must have been doing a whole lotta channeling
Cuz about 1 hour after my last post about my obsession with Gargamel (Buju Banton) I got a vm from my cousin/sister/bf in Chicago. She'd said how she came across FREE tickets to see Buju, Wayne Wonder, Collie Buddz, etc next Thursday. She was seeing if I wanted to go....UHHH HELLLLLLLLLLLL YES! He's been so heavy on my mind lately. I just knew that phone call was the start of my destiny being laid out for me until-

I mean, who has 8 kids now a days? This weekend, I'm telling the Jamaican about my come up on the Gargamel tickets. I also spill the beans about my infatuation with the man (because the Jamaican wanted to come so I told him that it wouldn't be right- I'd be lusting and acting a fool and can't do that with him sitting there looking at me). Then a commercial for Celebrity Apprentice comes on and Lennox Lewis flashes across the screen and I giggle. He says "I know you don't have a thing for him too?" and I say "No, he's married. I don't lust over married men" So why does he feel the need to say to me "Well, you don't know that Buju's married?" I wanted to CRY. I say "NOOOOO! he can't be!" He tells me to look it up. I search the Internet for any reference to my future husband and a current wife....I find 1 article. I read the entire (LONG ASS) article and the very last paragraph mentions how he lives in Jamaica with his wife and 8 children. Now the article was written in '03, so my immediate thought is "he could be divorced now" but it's then replaced with "EIGHT KIDS!!!! I can't EVEN!" So the Jamaican says that there's no need to lust over anyone but him now- he's not married and right here in Cleveland and available.

She was mad at me
My cousin was actually mad because I told her I couldn't help out with her surprise birthday party for HER HUSBAND. I had to call her and talk to her and we straightened it all out, but THE NERVE! sigh- If she wasn't something like the big sister I never wanted I would have had to kick her to the curb, but I love her too much for that- so I'm going to help out at the party, clean up afterwards, and keep it moving

He's BAAACK, well sort-of
I've been battling this fight with him for years. I lost in '06 and went back to him, but we ended the relationship at the end of that year. I PROMISED myself that was the end. I said I was through, and there was no going back....ever ever again.
Well, I'm holding true to that, but he's making it so hard. I made sure he couldn't contact me so instead he started going through my bff. Eventually lines of communication between us opened back up, and we are on speaking terms again. He says he needs to see me, he wants to talk to me face to face. I've been standing firm since August, but he's wearing me down. I'm getting me! I've said that if he makes the effort, I won't knock him...but I'll be dayum if I stick my neck out there again. sigh

Friday, January 11, 2008

I get so turned on from just looking at him

He's tall and skinny- the one thing I dislike in a man. I like my men big.... I want to feel secure and comfortable. And I get this feeling from a man that's taller than me and with a frame bigger than me. But this man, every time I see him I am floored, I freeze, I cheese, I gaze. It's unbelieveable that I want this man so much but I've never meet him. I am actually scared to meet him because I'm scared of what would happen. I am sure I would loose all morals, values, and standards just to satisfy this craving I've had for him since I was a teenager. Who is this man you say? Who has me so strung out that I can't function even by just hearing his name (I get moist from hearing the name alone)

I present to you, My crush Mr. Buju Banton (check out the 30 second mark- I'll go and faint now):

Thursday, January 10, 2008

He's not my family!

I got a quickie! My cousin is planning her husband a huge surprise 40th birthday party. I think it's a great idea. However, she has refused to ask for help from his family. Instead she has been asking our family members to do certain things. Now I like him, I have to put that out there first. He's a great guy, but how are you going to ask your side of the family to bring dishes, and just allow his side to "just show up". That's some bull that I'm not feeling. And he's said on more than one occasion how we are "insert wife's name here family, not his.” So shouldn’t his wife be going to HIS family asking for contributions? Or am I missing something?

Wow, she hit the nail dire-Ctly on the head

I got this from Serena Williams website (she blogs there) but its so much on point that I had to repost it here:

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me..... You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he wants to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together. He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy.

As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Wasn’t you giving him enough? Space. Hummm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again u knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your hear telling you to "watch out". "Be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but u cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think.... Will it happen again.