You big DUMMY!

Now I am NOT the most grammatically correct person in the world, and I can admit that. It's especially hard when you are typing (and type as fast as I do) and working, and talking on the phone all at the same time. But one can normally tell when you just made a typo and when you are clearly on the verge of ignorance...sigh

Ok, the point of this post: my high school has an alumni website where you can join, create a profile, and communicate with former classmates. It's actually a wonderful idea and has been all positive, thus far.

So I'm being my nosey self and looking at random pages, and I come across some of the saddest posts. If you need a laugh for today, read on:

• "HEY ! YAW IM 33 AND FEELING IT , I HAVE TWO GIRLS NOW AT THE AGE OF 17 AND 11 AND BASICALLY TRYING TO MAKE , OTHERWISE IM GOOD!! OH YEAH BIG UPS TO ALL MY HATTERS!!!!!"

- Oh yeah, well big up to you retarded clown! What's a hat-Ter?

• "GIRL WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME YOU FOUND DRIC , THATS O.K I HOLLARD AT HIM L.O.L"

- Same chick from above, does this say anything about her?

• "loo said her and pam is going with us today is loo birthday!"

- Yeah, her again and she's still STUPID and I would HAT (hey that's how SHE spelled it, right?) to converSATE with her (insert straight face here). And I bet her name is LU.

• "i have for children and i am a auditor at the renaissance hotel"

- you have for or four? I'm just saying though

I understand with all the Black Friday deals, Bundle packages, and Rebate checks, more and more people are able to get computers and now log into the Internet. But we've GOTTA do better PEOPLES

The story of the 26 year old

The story of the 26 year old

I think back to when I was 26. I had just had a pivotal moment in my life. I had just crossed the threshold from being a carefree, energetic, spontaneous bachelorette to being a settled down career woman and mother. In all honesty, the motherhood slowed me down. Had that not happened I probably would have kicked it hard until I turned 30. At 26, I would have not dreamed of giving a 26 year old guy the time of day. It just wouldn't happen. I've been notorious for dating older men. The smallest age gap has been 2 years and the biggest has been 20. The only exception to that is the LOML who is 2 years YOUNGER than me.
So there’s this 26 year old that had been trying to take me out for a while. Now, I haven’t had the best of luck in the dating world, so I figured it would be cool to just hang out with him. We started talking every now and then, going to the movies, just having a very harmless friendship- I mean he’s 26 and I’m 31 for goodness sake! Well somewhere in between the casual dinners and movies we started having sex. Now I’m blurry on the why’s and how’s of how it started, all I am clear on is this guy completely surprised me! I mean, ok- stamina taken out of the picture (he's 26, he SHOULD have stamina) but even without that, the sex is absolutely mindblowing. I’m really glad that I started working out 3 times a week back in February, because I think without that I could not handle this dude. I mean he twists and turns me in all kinds of positions, he has a huge di*k (Almost bigger than the LOML- ALMOST), he has a crazy stroke. I mean the boy is bad! But he’s 26.
I can’t date a 26 year old. It just isn't natural, is it? I mean, he’s 26. I’m 31. I'm a business woman, a mother, I'm a “Grown Woman” as Mary J. would say. He's IMHO just now reaching the point where he should be starting to settle down. I've been settled for years now. He teases me and tells me that I need to loosen up a little, but to me he’s too lax. It wouldn't work, would it? Well, the sex is great, that I can’t take away from him. But he’s 26.
If I DID decide to start dating him, does that mean that I'm a cougar ?

The Dream

I keep having this very weird dream. I've been having it for as long as I can remember, but it's starting to change, and is getting even more weird. It's even becoming a part of my daydreams and I'm starting to worry a little.
I remember years ago, I was probably no more than 5 years old; I was over my aunts’ house visiting. I was outside playing, and was running up and down the street. I remember running, while turning my head back and forth (making myself very dizzy- don't ask me why). I remember running directly into a utility pole which was right in front of my aunts’ house. I remember getting to her front door- but that's it. The next thing I knew, I woke up with a big ass bump on my head.
So the dream- In my dream, I actually never woke up. I had been in a coma for years! So everything that has happened to me has actually been a part of my dreams while in this coma. Going to college, all the drama, all the bad relationships, my child, and my friends were all a figment of my imagination. In the dream I finally wake up (as a 20 something year old- YAAAAY dream!) and get to basically start life (over). This was GREAT at first until I realize that I don’t have my child- who is the center of my universe. I also don't have my degree or my great career. So the dream becomes a nightmare because life as I "thought" I knew it doesn't really exist.
Now here's the twist: The more recent dreams are still the same, except HE's a part of it now. The LOML (love of my life)! Of course, because I'd been dreaming, he's not really the love of my life and I don't actually know him at all. This is just another blow to me when I wake up. But apparently (in my dream) he does ACTUALLY exist! And HE'S been in a coma for years as well! AND his coma came around the same time as mine! AND- he wakes up around the same time as I do! AND- he dreamed about me as well. So someone somewhere finds out about us and decides to get us together to meet. And we fall in love, and marry, and live the rest of our lives together. And the greatest part is that I get my child back...The beautiful baby that I dreamed I had while I was in the coma, I actually have while I'm with him. She's the EXACT same child from her looks to her mannerisms. The only difference is her father is who it SHOULD BE! WOW!

She's living the life that should have been mine

Have you ever had that feeling? You see someone living the life that should be yours. You see someone benefiting from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into someone else to get them right. Reality is hitting me hard this morning. I have an ex, he's actually my 1st real relationship (as much bullshit as it was, it was my 1st). He and I had a lot of issues, most steaming from the fact that we were young and trying to live our college lives while having this long distance relationship. We were together for 3 years then had this gray area for about 1 year. During the gray area time, I met and fell in love with the man that I know I'm meant to be with (whether that happens or not is another story). My ex tried and tried for a while to get us back. But my heart, my head and my loyalty had moved towards the LOML and all the pain that I went through with the ex wasn’t worth me going back. So he eventually moved on and is now engaged to one of the women that he cheated on me with. I found out he was with her a couple of years ago and also found out that they had been an on/off item for years (including the time he and I were together and the time he was trying to get me back). I also found out that she had no idea I was in the picture so I don’t have any bitterness towards her and in a way I ‘m glad that they have found what it takes to commit and become a family. But this competitive spirit I have inside of me is roaring mad! I mean, come on- how does the bad guy end up on top? How is it that she is able to have what I had been trying to get for years? It’s not fair! He should be miserable and unhappy and still uncertain about life! I mean, he cheated on me over and over again. He had 3, count them- 3 accused pregnancies during our time together, and the 3rd was his (mind you the 1st accusation was by the girl he is now engaged to). So I know I did the right thing by me to leave him for good. I know that I would never be happy with him, because I know what he is capable of, and the damage was done so long ago.
This weekend, I was over my cousins house, and we were talking about him and his upcoming nuptials, and my cousin says “Awe, he’s getting married!” then looks to me and says “Poor thing” as if to say I lost my chance and I fucked up. Well I say “He is marrying a woman that he cheated on me with. I left him because he constantly cheated on me. How am I the poor thing?” I swear I can’t win

YOU AIN'T GOTTA LIE- CRAIG!

That is my all time favorite quote from a movie? Why? Because it’s the words right out of my mouth. I believe that if you truly respect a person, you will not lie to that person. For no other reason that pure respect- you don’t lie. Cleveland has the sorriest pool of men I’ve EVER seen! I mean they lie, cheat, and then make you look like the dayum fool. They try to make you feel like you did something wrong when you know in your heart of hearts you’ve been upfront and honest from the start. So what’s my drama of the moment you ask? Let me fill you in. I’ve been talking about Mr. Pussy for a little over a year now. And things haven’t changed much from where they were last time I mentioned him, and that means we never officially started a relationship. We still hang out, he still lives up to his name, but that’s about it. So I’d say around Nov/Dec I got a random phone call one night from a girl asking me if I’m “seeing Mr. Pussy?” She goes on to ask if I knew he had a girlfriend. I say “If you are his girl, then why are you calling me asking if I’m seeing him”. So she hangs up the phone, I question him on it and of course he plays the stupid role. I brush it off, but tell him that I don’t appreciate shit like that and to please keep his groupies at bay. I tell him that if he IS dating anyone I need full disclosure. He swears he’s not and then we move on. So one day I’m browsing Myspace and decide to check out his page. I see a pic of him and a girl (he’s a que she’s an aka) and the pic is titled “The woman and I”. So I send an email to him and ask him about it and he again brushes it off, tries the double talk, etc. Now because we aren’t in a relationship, I can’t question him on anything, and I am cool with that. But I do expect FULL DISCLOSURE. And I also expect honest answers. So now I’m cautious. I’m paying a little more attention to detail. I’m debating on just pulling the switch on this whole thing or waiting to see what happens. Everytime we hook up or are talking, I ask him about the girlfriend and he swears there’s no other. But he’s lying. I finally had enough circumstantial evidence to suggest that he is indeed involved with this Myspace girl. But since I already know I’m not getting any answers from him, I send her a message. I’m very polite, and explain my situation with Mr. Pussy to her. I ask her if she’s in a relationship with him because I can’t deal with lies and drama. She confirms their status and asks me a few questions. I tell her what’s been going on with with us for the past year and tell her that I’m done with it but I just needed verification and I apologized for bothering her. So that’s where it ends yesterday.

I check my messages this morning, and I notice from the last message she sent yesterday that her picture has changed. So I decide to click and view her profile and this is what I see:

So I guess he gave her the same bull he gave me and she’s decided to take his word for it, which is fine. He’s your man and you should believe your man, right? I also guess that’s a big “FUCK YOU!” to me, huh?

Well all I can say is that I did what I felt was right. I’m NOT letting a man play with my emotions or break my stride- so I’m better off and I wish them well

Why lie?

I don't get it. I really don't understand. We are adults. We all have feelings. We all want respect. So why lie? Why say you aren't involved with anyone but you really are? Why involve me in that mess of a drama that is bound to follow behind your lie? Why why why?

Why be with me, take me around your family and friends? Why make plans to be with me for ever and make those same plans with someone else? Why lead me on for weeks, months, hell years knowing that your heart isn't true and your words are fake?

I'm a good person. I'm straight forth. I'm caring and understanding. I'm also very clear on where I stand- if you have someone, we can be friends. There's no hard feelings at all. But please don't get me caught up in a blind 3way. Please don't do that to me, because I don't deserve it. I don't want midnite anonomous phone calls from women trying to find out why their man has all of a sudden become distant so she's decided to go through his cell phone. I don't want someone knocking at my door with a child on thier hips whose eyes resemble yours. I don't want to think you are the one- and my search is finally over; only to find out there's another woman thinking the same thing about you. That's so cruel and you are a cruel person to do that to me.

And yes I become bitter! But can you really blame me? I mean I was honest with you from the start and I told you where I stood on this issue. So how are you now shocked because the bit*h has been stirred up? You bastard grow up and be a man!

Random thoughts- round 2

So where’s guy #2?
My heart is so heavy right now. I haven't written about guy #2 in a while, and it isn't because we haven't been in contact. I was going to leave him and his business out of this, but this is reality and his reality has intertwined into mine. He's gone away- for 3 or 4 years (or something crazy like that). He finally confessed to me the reason he was acting like Cybil all last summer and it was because he knew he'd eventually be locked up. I guess getting involved would be a mute point, because it would be short lived. I was sad when he first told me he would be going away; he's a great guy who chose a screwed up path. But that's the breaks. I continued to do my thing and gave him his space to do what ever he was going to do until Dday. He called me that morning he was turning himself in to tell me he would really miss me, and I said the same, he said he'd write me and that was it. So today I decide to look at the Ohio Inmates search and pulled up his sheet. That's when it hit. That's when I became affected. It's so sad. He looks lifeless. Nothing like the man I adored. Nothing like the person I was getting to know.

Old Friends
When I graduated from High School, I was pretty much a loner. My clique broke up in 93 (over some stupid high school stuff) and my last few years I decided to roll solo. It was cool, because my crew actually all ended up dropping out, except for one girl who transferred. So I went to college and had no ties to my former life. My college buddies became my life long friends and I really don't think back about the high school times.
This past week, I've ran into 3 of my high school classmates, just on a humble. One of those three was my absolute best friend (the one who transferred). It's brought up some serious emotions, especially when I ran into my best friend. She's still the same chick as real as can be. She told me she was in contact with the other 2 girls we hung with for a minute. But just to see her made me nostalgic. We had so much fun back in the day. We got into SO MUCH TROUBLE back in the day. We were 5 honor students (4 girls and 1 boy) and we used to get into so much stuff. We caused mini riots, we fought constantly, and we were always causing disruption in class. You would have never thought we were all carrying GPA's above 3.5. Makes you wonder why 3 of them dropped out, huh?

How was Buju?

WONDERFUL! Thanks for asking. My family is kind of upset though because I didn’t go and visit anyone while I was in Chicago. But I was really only there for 1 day and I was TIRED! So I slept half the day and well- it doesn’t matter. I didn’t call or visit anybody but the family I was staying with. I went with one intention- to see my man. And he was so darn HIGH! It was comical how twisted he was onstage. Collie Budz is a fine ass man! And Wayne Wonder is a smooth dude. I peeped the band though, so I chose to focus on Buju (I KNOW HE’S MARRIED TOO BUT HE’S STILL MY MAN)

Baby P’tron

My brother (actually my cousin) is expecting his fourth child!!!!! His wife really didn’t want anymore kids so she went to the dr. to get an I.U.D. and the doc informed her that she couldn’t get the birth control because she’s preggo! She cried and cried for days then found out she’s 2.5 months. Um, well she’s kicked it HARD over the past month (I know cuz I’ve been with her) and she was drinking Patron like it was water….So I told her I hope it’s a boy because I will be calling him P’TRON!

The Soldier Boy effect on my daughter

Well, just see for yourself

This was when she was LEARNING the dance:

And NOW (she’s PERFECTED it!)

Now Accepting Applications for new friends

minimal requirements: not into drama, would never mess with anyone I've ever dealt with (NO EXCEPTIONS), hard worker, loves REGGAE, accepts and returns brutal honesty, willing to party like a rockstar every now and then but doesn't LIVE to party, family oriented

I need to meet some new friends. I have NO ONE that I can kick it with. I mean real deal, let's kick it! I have tickets to a BIG reggae concert in Chicago next weekend. I have 1 girl that is into reggae like me- so I just KNEW she'd be down. I call her and tell her "free tickets to Buju, Wayne Wonder, ETC...and her response (just like mine) was HELLLL YEAAAH I'm down. Her exact words. She said "OH, I'm gonna make a way to go to that!" So it's on! We are goin to the concert next weekend, right? WRONG! HEFFA backs out on me last nite. sigh

Well it makes it easier on me cuz now I don't have to rush back to Cleveland, I can stay the whole weekend. BUT Dammit! Why is it that my girls don't kick it like that? I mean I know chicks that posse up and do cruises, casino trips, tropical vacations. Why can't my girls do that?

Well, it ain't gonna stop my flow. Child care arrangements have been made, flight will be booked today- BUJU I'm on my way!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

He doesn't know my dayum name!
So I met a gorgeous Jamaican last month. This man is so right in so many ways. We've hung out a couple of times, we talk almost daily and I noticed that he calls me baby but don't remember him using my name. So we were talking last night about last names. I had just told him mine about 1/2 hr before, and he asked me again. So I'm like "I just told you! Why don't you remember? Do you remember my 1st name?" And he got this perplexed look on his face. I'm like "OH HELL NO! YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME!!!!!!"

SWALLOW! Will ya?
Don't you hate it when you are talking to someone who seems to have a mouthful of saliva at all times? And it looks like it's packed up in the corners of their mouth. Makes me wanna say "WILL YOU SWALLOW ALREADY?"

I must have been doing a whole lotta channeling
Cuz about 1 hour after my last post about my obsession with Gargamel (Buju Banton) I got a vm from my cousin/sister/bf in Chicago. She'd said how she came across FREE tickets to see Buju, Wayne Wonder, Collie Buddz, etc next Thursday. She was seeing if I wanted to go....UHHH HELLLLLLLLLLLL YES! He's been so heavy on my mind lately. I just knew that phone call was the start of my destiny being laid out for me until-

HE'S MARRIED! WITH 8 KIDS!!!!!!
I mean, who has 8 kids now a days? This weekend, I'm telling the Jamaican about my come up on the Gargamel tickets. I also spill the beans about my infatuation with the man (because the Jamaican wanted to come so I told him that it wouldn't be right- I'd be lusting and acting a fool and can't do that with him sitting there looking at me). Then a commercial for Celebrity Apprentice comes on and Lennox Lewis flashes across the screen and I giggle. He says "I know you don't have a thing for him too?" and I say "No, he's married. I don't lust over married men" So why does he feel the need to say to me "Well, you don't know that Buju's married?" I wanted to CRY. I say "NOOOOO! he can't be!" He tells me to look it up. I search the Internet for any reference to my future husband and a current wife....I find 1 article. I read the entire (LONG ASS) article and the very last paragraph mentions how he lives in Jamaica with his wife and 8 children. Now the article was written in '03, so my immediate thought is "he could be divorced now" but it's then replaced with "EIGHT KIDS!!!! I can't EVEN!" So the Jamaican says that there's no need to lust over anyone but him now- he's not married and right here in Cleveland and available.

She was mad at me
My cousin was actually mad because I told her I couldn't help out with her surprise birthday party for HER HUSBAND. I had to call her and talk to her and we straightened it all out, but THE NERVE! sigh- If she wasn't something like the big sister I never wanted I would have had to kick her to the curb, but I love her too much for that- so I'm going to help out at the party, clean up afterwards, and keep it moving

He's BAAACK, well sort-of
I've been battling this fight with him for years. I lost in '06 and went back to him, but we ended the relationship at the end of that year. I PROMISED myself that was the end. I said I was through, and there was no going back....ever ever again.
Well, I'm holding true to that, but he's making it so hard. I made sure he couldn't contact me so instead he started going through my bff. Eventually lines of communication between us opened back up, and we are on speaking terms again. He says he needs to see me, he wants to talk to me face to face. I've been standing firm since August, but he's wearing me down. I'm getting weak...help me! I've said that if he makes the effort, I won't knock him...but I'll be dayum if I stick my neck out there again. sigh

I get so turned on from just looking at him

He's tall and skinny- the one thing I dislike in a man. I like my men big.... I want to feel secure and comfortable. And I get this feeling from a man that's taller than me and with a frame bigger than me. But this man, every time I see him I am floored, I freeze, I cheese, I gaze. It's unbelieveable that I want this man so much but I've never meet him. I am actually scared to meet him because I'm scared of what would happen. I am sure I would loose all morals, values, and standards just to satisfy this craving I've had for him since I was a teenager. Who is this man you say? Who has me so strung out that I can't function even by just hearing his name (I get moist from hearing the name alone)

I present to you, My crush Mr. Buju Banton (check out the 30 second mark- I'll go and faint now):

He's not my family!

I got a quickie! My cousin is planning her husband a huge surprise 40th birthday party. I think it's a great idea. However, she has refused to ask for help from his family. Instead she has been asking our family members to do certain things. Now I like him, I have to put that out there first. He's a great guy, but how are you going to ask your side of the family to bring dishes, and just allow his side to "just show up". That's some bull that I'm not feeling. And he's said on more than one occasion how we are "insert wife's name here family, not his.” So shouldn’t his wife be going to HIS family asking for contributions? Or am I missing something?

Wow, she hit the nail dire-Ctly on the head

I got this from Serena Williams website (she blogs there) but its so much on point that I had to repost it here:

You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me..... You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he wants to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together. He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy.

As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Wasn’t you giving him enough? Space. Hummm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again u knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your hear telling you to "watch out". "Be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but u cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think.... Will it happen again.

The Maintenance Man

Have you ever had one? You know, the reliable man you call upon when you need a great night of passionate sex. I read Michael Baisden's book several years ago, but at the time I didn't completely understand why this man would be needed. I thought, as a woman, you can basically have any man you want to do anything you want. So why get involved in this purely sexual encounter time after time knowing that it will not go anywhere. Well, I hit 30 and realized that while guys came easy 7-8 years ago, that's not so much the case now. Now, my standards have changed. My needs, desires, and aspirations for a relationship are so different now, as my views on sex that if I continuously wait on "that one" I'll turn into a born again virgin (and I've done the celibacy thing already). So if I have the Maintenance Man tune me up every now and then, this will allow me to explore dating with a whole new outlook. I can lay out the ground rules up front- NO SEX for a determined amount of time to make sure that we match up on all levels. It looks like my cut off point is 3 months, so I say no sex for 4 months while we date and have the Maintenance Man on call to relieve me. Wonder if that would work for me? Wonder if the guy I have in mind would agree to this delicate position? hummmmm...........