"I don't want to be in a relationship"

I'd been dealing with the fact that the person I thought was truly my soul mate and made for me and only me was just a figment of my imagination. The bond that I though was there actually wasn't and it was time to let go of that dream and move the fuck on. It was VERY hard at first. I was crushed beyond belief, and for the very first time, I felt a part of me being ripped out. He and I have been on and off for several years, but I've never felt this pain, and I finally realize that I am feeling it because this time, is finally the last time. It's time to let go, and move on, and allow someone into my life who wants to be with me and who loves me for me. (Short version for those that don't know- he said he didn't want to be in a relationship. Thought he did, he tried, but he doesn't want it.)

So in an effort to occupy my mind with OTHER things, I started pulling out CD's that I hadn't listened to in a while and came across 2 very powerful songs that spoke to me in ways that only Mary J. has been able to do in the past! LOL- for those that know me, they know that in my mind- nobody can talk to me like Mary. I've been listening to these songs so much that there are certain parts that I constantly keep repeating- the statements are just POWERFUL and are so much my situation that I had to share them.

Before we go any further: Please believe- I'm not in a depressed state. I'm good! Shit was hard as hell at first, but my motto is "2K7 = Change" and shit's about to change! Now I cannot lie- I will love that man for the rest of my life…. that's real talk. But it's time for me to fall IN love with the man I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with.

Now on to the songs……

"Hell No"

Monica- The Makings of Me

Hell no, you say you don't want it no more

Hell no, you say you can't give me what I want,

Hell no, How you just gonna leave when I stayed with you through hard times and you cheated

Hell no, I hate to say it but I need it

Hell no, god please talk to me

Hell no, This so called love was so deep it told you that you should run far and not give a damn about me

How could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of love- We've been here before?

I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to ever let it go

Damn baby I can see if we've never been through shit before but we've been down this road

How could you leave me baby, please my heart is bleeding for the beat we had before, How could you…..

Damn I need you,

I wanna laugh wanna stand wanna get just 1 more chance just to see you

All my friends, all my kin say Mo just let that end but I breathe you

In the drive way, I found pictures on the ground of our 1^st date

"I never in a million years thought this would be me. I'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I'm somebody special"

Look at me!

OK- so I don't even know where to start. I can't say that I'm a Monica fan. To me, she's a little too young for me to be able to feel, but this song right here- woah! How can she just put out a song talking about me like that? LOL…… I mean seriously, let's take this verse by verse

• Hell no, you say you don't want it no more
  • Uhhh, I guess I don't have to explain that one

• Hell no, How you just gonna leave when I stayed with you through hard times and you cheated
  • Ok, so I stuck it out. I traveled because he couldn't (or I guess now that I look back he WOULDN'T). I dealt with …ALL KINDS OF SHIT! But he takes the easy way out and just gives up

• I cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to ever let it go
  • Over the years I never wanted him completely out of my life. I always knew that we'd be together. Somehow, some way….

• Damn baby I can see if we've never been through shit before but we've been down this road
  • Like I said- we've been off and on for years. We've (I've) faced some difficult shit, but somehow it seemed the love never died

• wanna get just 1 more chance just to see you
  • If only……on second thought, I might slap the dog shit out of him so never mind

• All my friends, all my kin say Mo just let that end but I breathe you
  • I BREATHE YOU! 'nuff said

• "I never in a million years thought this would be me. I'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks I'm somebody special"
  • Never thought it'd happen to me! I wouldn't fall for somebody who doesn't want me. Please! I'm too good to do something that stupid

"Ex-Factor"

Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard

Loving you is like a battle

And we both end up with scars

………

See no one love you more than me

And no one ever will

……….

No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain't working

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy

I keep letting you back in

How can I explain myself

As painful as this thing has been

I just can't be with no one else

See I know what we've got to do

You let go and I'll let go too

Cuz no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

……….

Where were you, when I needed you

Now this has always been a good song to me, but just this past weekend I realized how DEEP it was. I heard the pain in her voice for the first time. I felt her… ESPECIALLY the very last sentence in the song. The shit put me in TEARS! But it was like a release, you know what I mean. Like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. She summed up the reasons I HAD to let go and move on in just 1 sentence. But lets start from the beginning:

• Loving you is like a battle
  • Actually loving was the easy part, it was getting him to believe that I was sincere that was a battle

• See no one love you more than me And no one ever will
  • I put that on EVERYTHING! No one will ever be more passionate, sincere, just completely down for him and everything about him- PERIOD

• No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain't working
  • 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I should have known, that's how it was back in the day- why would it change?

• And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy
  • We could have been done with this so many times, and every time- it was HIM that couldn't drop it. Even this last time, he started this shit up. I was minding my own business in Baltimore and he comes calling

• I keep letting you back in how can I explain myself. As painful as this thing has been I just can't be with no one else
  • Over and over and over- from 1999 until now I never wanted to let go. I never let anyone else in. Hell, even Tseday's father knew he was fighting a loosing battle.

• See I know what we've got to do, You let go and I'll let go too
  • TRUTH! It's time

• Cuz no one's hurt me more than you, And no one ever will
  • I played that part right there over and over and over….. I can't say that I've ever been truly HURT by a guy, because I wouldn't let him get that close to me. And you can't hurt me if I don't care about you. But this dude, man…….. I guess it's karma

• WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU
  • It's a wrap! I'm not even going to discuss the situation I was dealing with when he decided that he didn't want to be in "a relationship" but let's just say that he did during a real fucked up time. So I'd rather not deal because if he could pull something like that during that time, shit- he doesn't have my back or my best interests in his heart.

So like I said- I'll love him til the day I die. He's my first love, and I was blessed to be able to experience it- but it's time to move on…